All five toes in the mirror!

So I am winding down my challenge. Friday night is my last class and for the past week or so I think I have lost sight a little on why I am doing this. I have been going through the motions and feeling good physically but haven't been reflecting as much.

This morning was a 6:15 and I can really tell my body is getting stronger from the inside. I am able to withstand the heat much better than ever before. I pushed through everything this morning and felt not nearly as overwhelmed and simply out of breath as I have been. I have also been trying to focus more on my breathing. I have to try to keep breathing through some of the harder postures but it makes them SO much easier and manageable. I had some weird balance issues going on this morning. I fell out of standing bow way more often than usual and during balancing stick I actually felt like a stick, blowing around in the wind. I shocked myself in Eagle Pose. For nearly two months I have heard "look at all five toes in the mirror" and thought, "yeah right, maybe one day." Well, it was today! I wasn't even thinking about it, I just did it and then I shocked myself. I could only do it with one side but it was such a major accomplishment. I was excited about the second set to see if I could do it again, and I did!


In general, I have realized how well I respond to "challenges." I am one of those people who need some type of goal. When I have nothing to work for, I just become lazy. Last year when I was in better shape it was only because I was going to Carnival and had to prance around half naked in Trinidad. After Carnival, it was a wrap and my daily activity consisted of walking to and from my car. I am thinking my next challenge will be some type of running. There is a 10k in June that if I get in gear starting next week, there is a chance I could do.

During the first 30 days I think I have was appreciating, and just noticing, particular body parts. I discovered my knee caps, foot arches, my pinky toes, muscles I have never given any attention to. Lately I have been appreciating the entire package. My body and how it all works together. My shape and size and the little things that it does. Its curvy and 100% hour-glass-like. It looks really proportioned. When I just look at myself during postures, in general I have been able to just focus on my gaze. I'm noticing the parts less and just the person looking back at me.

Second chances

After today, I will have three classes to go. I am going Tuesday morning, Wednesday morning and Friday night. I planned to take Thursday off so I am a day ahead. I have loved this challenge but I am really looking forward to getting some flexibility in my schedule back.

This morning's class was just OK. I was consumed by doubt. That alone isn't that big of a deal; we all experience self-doubt. But there is something in my brain that finds it unacceptable for me to not be the exact person I wish I could be. I want to be confident in every way all the time and when that doesn't happen, I feel like a failure. Then I get frustrated for even thinking that way -and repeat. So this morning, I was hyper-critical. Every little flaw I could imagine was glaring at me in the mirror. I would go maybe 10-15 minutes without criticizing myself but then get sucked back in. It was really frustrating. Then after all that I went home and weighed myself. I think I was looking to beat myself up this morning. It was not healthy in any way. Normally this is frustrating but this morning, I was really discouraged. I have come so far in this experience. I have been feeling so good, free and airy. This morning I felt tired, old and defeated.

Even though I was so frustrated, I think this morning is good motivation on what I need to work on.  One of the things that the instructor kept saying this morning was that “we always get a second chance.” People were struggling and she kept encouraging people to “just try” during the second set, even if they didn’t have a good first set. I am trying to take that with me today. I had a crappy morning but I have a second chance to have a great day, which is what I plan on doing.

Day 51 - I know I keep saying I am not going to write as much ...

I just had to! Today was AMAZING. Even more amazing than usual. I just had a wonderful day, the weather was fabulous, the Maryland Bar informed me I am not morally bankrupt, I even went to the dentist in the first time since before law school! And to end my day I took the 6pm with Megan and it was so fabulous. I am not sure what it was but I felt super strong today. My focus could have been better but I was going way deeper into postures that I usually do. I just felt like a regular. A part of me has really started to think of my centering place. Not quite in a spirtual way but in another kind of universal way. I can't put my finger on it.

I think so much tension was released after I had a successful character and fitness interview with the Maryland Bar people. I don't think I realized how much that bar limbo was stressing me out. I also am uncomfortable with the idea of actively finding a profession in which I ask to have my character judged. Something about that seems really unnatural. But I walked out my interview and went straight to yoga. It was such a fabulous way to end my day.

Day 50 - Gassy Men

This morning some guy had terrible gas, especially during the floor series. I really need to work on my focus because it was really throwing me off. I would try to think, "its only a fart" but then I would think about how my body was breathing a gaseous form of poop! Then I would get all distracted and grossed out and repeat. I think if I were truly focused on my yoga 100% I wouldn't have even noticed. Overall, this morning felt great. I have been kind of moody for about a week and have felt kind of stuck in my yoga. But this morning I felt rejuvenated again, even if I was pretty stiff.

I keep surprising myself with the body parts I notice. Lately I have been very aware of the arches in my feet. They ache during Awkward Pose. It seems new to have such a odd part of body feel alive. I have also been noticing my shoulders. I think they are getting stronger and I think I can see it. It is exciting.

More than anything I have just felt more and more confident. I compare my confidence to the first breathing exercise. I keep taking in more and more and just when I feel like I am at my limit for that particular moment, I can squeeze in a tad bit more. I walk confidently around the studio in my ridiculously small and tight shorts. I fix my clothes less and less lately. Wherever my clothes end up in class, I am more comfortable just leaving it there (even if it means a bit of pudge sticks out).

I should start counting down!

Today will be my 49th class :-) I am really in the home stretch.